LiViNg In A WoRlD Of My OwN
Monday, January 31, 2005, 9:10 PM
Finally today i have figure it all out. for the past few days i have been living in my own world. a world that nobody can enter a inner world of me. i feel very carefree in this way. a feel that i have nv ever felt before. i have thrown away everything my feelings n even somebody closest to me n that my god sis. i threw her away is becuz i cant give her wad she wants. all she need is somebody who care for her somebody to take care of her but now, i cant do it anymore cuz i living in a world of my own. a world which have no feelings. i cannot be so selfish to drag a innocent girl into my own world. so i decided to let her go, let somebody else take care of her. so now finally its only left u n me, my blog to share the inner world of me. nobody else except me n this blog. n from today onwards i shall rely on nobody anymore cuz i dun wishto be a burden to anybody else. i really wanna live in a world of my own. just my own world n live my own life. make sure that nobody can get into my inner world to change my whole life.
@ 5@d y3@r & d@y
Friday, January 28, 2005, 11:14 PM
Hmmm...today i have lost my badminton match. its was such a wasted match. the score was 15-4 & 15-13. it was such a close gap. why isnt luck on my side this year? this start to happen almost everyday which is not good. why am i so unlucky? did i do something in my previous life that cuz me to suffer this way in this life or is it that i have to force myself till i have no path to go n....all this does not matter anymore, cuz i know it cant solve anything. im so angry with myself for not winning the match, i was having the leading score in the second match n why? WHY DID I LOSE?! its unfair to my live. why cant i get a second chance to fight with them again? why? its so unfair that becuz too me, life already sucks to the core. everything seems so colourless too me, nth seems to be able to colour the inner world of me. iris just ask me, does like still sucks? it do cuz life is so unfair to me. y its just cant be just a little bit more fair to me? i just want something to make myself forget everythings but things always turn out other ways. since the beginning of the year, bad luck have been following me till today, being accuse by officers for stealing n wanted to send me to jail? if only that time i have ask him to call, maybe i wil be inside sitting down passing my few months or year life in a boy's home without having to meet this world which have lose its meaningful colour to me. haiz...if only this world could be abit more fair to me.
Worth Of Celebration?
Wednesday, January 26, 2005, 11:53 PM
Is today worth of celebration? for ChaiChee to win the first ever badminton match in my book of history? Yes indeed we won 5 - 0 by trashing Changkat Changi but...if only she was here to celebrate this joyous occasion. haiz...today just found out another truth. i found out that A(somebody) have already fallen for B(somebody). i thought its was all right until i ask myself, n i suddenly have a feeling over this B. its a very strange feeling, i thought it was love but its impossible between me n her. its just impossible between me n her so i decided to let in to A. Maybe i shd not damp the mood of this blog cuz it shd be a happy one but cant be help, its only for my feelings n nobody can change the way i write my blog. the world seems to be changing, changing that i feel like i have a distance with this world. distance that can nv be recovered. maybe its my stupid feelings again ba but somehow its gave me a feeling that i do not understand my bros anymore. they dun share anything with me anymore. ppl like syl, kenny, fabian n wen hao. did i do something wrong or unfaithful to them? did i ever embarrassed them? or was it that they already forget my chun zai? whatever it is now, i really feel like a zombie. a person who does not have any feeling anymore, a person who might not even be notice by ppl. haiz...if only i could, if only i could leave this world without having giving a thought to my parents cuz nth seems much more important to me in this world than my family now. if only i could leave...
Was I Wrong To Lie?
Wednesday, January 19, 2005, 11:40 PM
Haiz....today after coming back from NYP, to consider it good or bad, i saw her at TM. The timing was so right that when i walk in to the TM mac, i have a feeling that sombody will stare at me n when just this feeling came, i turn to my right n at the same time she lifted her head up. Its was how we first seen each other since we last seen each other on 2 dec. talking abt it make me feel guilty becuz i ruin her 16 bday. haiz...was i wrong to lie to her? i thought i have this plan prefectly work out that i could avoid her to forget her, but it now has all gone down to the drain. i was such a failure, plan a simple thing cant even plan it well. but aleast seeing her letting me know that she is fine it make me feel more happy maybe its becuz i miss her ba. everything seems to change since the day she is gone. i have already been considered a half day person since the day she told me 'we cant be together anymore'. i still cant learn to let go of her but i will try. while during the try out section of my life, ppl have said that i have change. ppl have say that i dun seems to smile as much as last time, i dun seems to talk as much as before already. is it true? have i change? i dunno. all i know now that if only somebody could provoke me now, i could only 100% make sure the guy wont be able to stand up anymore. knowing now wad i type here could nv bring back the past anymore. all i could do is to bottle up all my feelings n keep my tears from anybody. i have made a promise that i will nv cry infront of any other ppl anymore since the day i cry on her bday, maybe its not crying ba but its tearing ba. trying hard to face her without my face as nobody have really seen me cry out before. so i decided if i really have to let my tears flow, let it flow through my pillow n let it drift through the cotton wools n hope it can bring away all my memories. so nobody will be able to c my tears anymore.
Suddenly dream of you n a wish that will nv come true
Thursday, January 13, 2005, 8:35 PM
Haiz...time really flies. i wanna chat with you on the phone but i cant let u know where am i...im feeling very sad really...anyway, if i have the chance, i hope i have the chance to ask you to come back to my side. if only i could, i would turn back time n stop doing all those silly things that i have done...this morning is just dream abt you. i dream that u r going oversea with me to futher my studies n when u n i are doing our work, i stare at you n hold up your hand, asking you to give me another chance n i got stun, waking up, finding myself it was a dream. a dream zhong shi a dream, it can never be replace by a real story. suddenly i saw u gave me a comment, i did not know u would read my blog...i was stun again n in my heart i wanted to give myself a chance to ask u back again but i have told myself that if i have told u im migrating, then wad the point of asking u back. Knowing that u r happy now, im also glad for you, i have nth much to ask for but i only wish to celebrate my bday with you this year but think this will nv come true one de la...stupid me n my stupid wish. if only i can c your happy face again, cuz the day i last saw u is when u gave me a very angry n disappointing face. it make me feel very guilty. its like i have cause your whole bday to become like this but i just wanna let u know that i dun mean to do that. i just wanna give u a surprise n wanna ask u to come back to my side. thinking that everything was prefect except for a chance to ask, but its was ruined becuz desiree did not call u to meet her. i dun blame her but blame myself for coming up with this stupid surprise. anyway, thx to eunice for lightening my sadness for me but one thing for sure, i still cant get over you but i know life have to move on. so here i am, promising myself that i will nv bother you again by keeping myself away, hide my tears n change to another person with diff character. even my god sis say i have change before i go, its funny but i find it true i have change, i have seems to change to somebody who give up things very easily without even fighting for it, im tired, dun think i wanna be a hero anymore. hope that one day, i could let my tears out n the only day will be when i c you =') but its only a wish which will nv come true
| h@+3 mYs3|f
Monday, January 10, 2005, 10:22 PM
I HATE MYSELF!!! i dunno why? its has been so long already and still i cant forget you. why? its killing me when i cant be with you. if only i have a chance to turn back time, i would turn back time n go back to your face n ask u to come back to my side but its all too late now. haiz...wad else can i say or do to make u come back to my side becuz i really need u at this moment. i have quit prefect, quit everything n keep myself occupied with activity n school works to forget you but when it come to night time, i cant help but to think of you. so is there anyway i can forget you cuz i cant take it anymore! i wanna release myself from this torture, i dun wanna be kept down anymore. pls somebody out there, help me out cuz nobody can hear my inner scream for help. if only somebody could be there for me all the time n help me forget you. im so tired to be thinking of you so if only you could come back to my side. here im begging for a miracle to happen so i could be back by your side. will you come back if only something happen to me? if only you would ='( haiz.....
YoU AnD MeMoRiEs ArE IrRePlAcAbLe
Sunday, January 02, 2005, 11:20 AM
Today after working at the airport, i realised that there is alot of thing that i havent done so i decided to say it out through this blog. I have think alot n there is a phrase that which i always use to encourage people and myself and that is "bu yao qing yan fang qi, fou zhe dui bu qi zhi ji". Haha though it may sound silly but its true. Sometimes in life, we cannot give up too easily but this time when i use this phrase to encourage myself, i felt that i could not stand up like the past n face you again. I felt that no matter how hard i tried, it will be helpless. So i decided to give up you and do other things. Thought it may take alot of time and effort to do that, but i assure myself that i will be able to do that. To forget you already is a hard time for me not even to mention to not be able to chat with you on the phone but all this can never be the same anymore. School going to reopen soon and its going to be a whole new change to me because i could be like the past, call you in the morning and not able to chat with you at night but as day pass, i will slowly get use to it. In school, all my friends and bros will see a different me because i have promise myself never to let my weakest side to be seen by anybody except myself. So no matter how sad or how ashame i feel, i will never break down and cry infront of anyone anymore. So i have all this to say to my bros, Thanks for being there for my when i need you guys, to my god sis annabella, Thanks for being the most wonderful person in my life, to my friends, Thanks for sharing all the good and bad times together which i will never forget n lastly to you, Thanks for making my life containing with such beautiful memories which is something that can never be replace. To all the people out there, if you are in love, it comes in many forms n if the more painful you feel, its because you have love the person more than yourself. So guys, treasure girls like them or you will end up like me.
